25 Funniest Things Doctors Say or Write

funny things doctors say or write

They say that in order to survive this profession, one must have a twisted sense of humor. This is true in the case of nurses as well as doctors.

Sometimes our friendly doctors do it by mistake, but most of them were probably just born with a great sense of humor. The following is a list of the 25 funniest things that doctors say or write:


1. “Do you want your baby to die?  You know she is going to die if you get the flu and you make her get sick.

2. “Sorry, I can’t get you a mouth guard for you to stop grinding your teeth at night when you sleep. I could prescribe you some Valium instead.

3. “It doesn’t matter what you eat as long as they have your once a day vitamin.”

4. “Diet coke in the morning will help combat your heart burn/ indigestion.”

5. “Of course, ketchup can be classified as vegetable and grape jelly can be classified as fruit.”

Related article: 30 Funniest Things Patients Say

6. “Your son (12 months old) is not speaking words. Maybe you should put him in speech intervention.”

7. “Give the baby a bath in water and bleach to ease the eczema.”

8. “Too much thinking for one’s self seems inflammatory. I think there is a pill for that.”

9. “Benadryl has too many side effects. Let me give you a prescription of Ambien.”

10. “Lidocaine, PO, for anal stitch”

11. “The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”

12. “On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.”


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13. “The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.”

14. “I know. People die from vaccines every day. But I really recommend you get your child vaccinated.”

15. “Never eat chicken. It’s from the devil.”

16. “You should never give your child powdered milk. Otherwise, she will be fat.”

17. “Maybe you should feed your child some carrot cake so he would eat vegetables.”

18. “I see no problem with taking Xanax and Halcion even on daytime.”

Related article: 30 Funniest Things that Nurses Say or Write

19. “Please give your (toddler) son a couple of Benadryls to calm him down before bringing him in my office again.”

20. “That’s an easy fix, Sir. Let’s take your gall bladder out and see if that helps.

21. “Your gallbladder has nothing to do with digestion so it can’t be causing your constipation!”

22. “Wow. You don’t look like you have Lyme disease.”

23. “Elderly woman clearly psychotic today; states she has a ‘frog in her throat‘.”

24. “Well, it is impossible to go into asystole if you are in atrial fibrillation.”

25. It’s not possible for women to acquire heart disease!”


Your Turn

Can you think of other things that doctors say or write? We’d love to hear from you!


About the Author: Mary Elizabeth Velarmino Francisco earned her Bachelor of Science in Nursing Degree from the Ateneo de Zamboanga University, Philippines. She is always happy to share her passion for writing and blogging. With coffee running through her veins, she enthusiastically battles each day, one article at a time.