30 Funniest Things Patients Say

funny things that patients say

Nurses work with people every day, and it is normal that they would experience not only toxic shifts, but also funny patients. Here are thirty of the funniest things patients usually say:

1. “I know this is actually going to hurt, but I’ll try not to think about it.”

2. “I’m not dying, am I?”

3. “I have been waiting here for a long time. It’s been ten minutes! When will I be seen?”

4. “What was the doctor saying about my dimentions (dementia)?”

5. “I didn’t overdose. I just took two pills more than necessary!”

6. “Ah, I have had this for quite a while. Like a hundred years now.”

7. “May I have a glass of water? I just want to check if my throat leaks.”

8. “But why do I have to take my medication with Coca-cola instead of Pepsi?”

Related article: 30 Funniest Things That Nurses Say or Write

9. Nurse: “I want to have a peek in your mouth, Sir.” Patient: “No, you cannot pee in my mouth!!!”

10. Patient with seizures: “I had to come to the E.R. because I quit taking my Peanut Butterball (Phenobarbital).”

11. “It’s so painful, I wouldn’t wish this much pain on Osama Bin Laden.”

12. “Don’t check my temperature with that rectal thermometer! I’m not even gay!”

13. “I wasn’t using any illegal drugs. It was just weed!!”

14. “I feel like a baby is sitting on my chest. Just a baby though, not an elephant.”

15. “I don’t take any of my maintenance drugs anymore, so I guess my Hypertension and Diabetes are all gone now.”


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16. “I was wondering how much it would hurt if I jumped from here.”

17. “You don’t look old enough to be a nurse.”

18. Patient asked to rate pain from 0-10: “Well, my pain is 20.”

19. “I think I have anemia. My hands hurt when it rains.”

20. “I just wash my hair often when I have nosebleeds.”

21. “I don’t feel so good. I think I had too much peanut butter and I think I have an STD.”

22. Patient when asked about her chief complaints: “Well, my hair hurts.”

Related article: 25 Funniest Things Doctors Say or Write

23. “There was a little hard pellet inside my mouth and I think maybe it was my ovary.”

24. “I am scheduled to have an autopsy (biopsy) in the morning.”

25. “I didn’t actually fall. It was controlled landing.”

26. “Nurse, I’m going to have to sue the doctor for prescribing me an illegal dose of Tylenol.”

27. “Oh I’m just so constipated! Please bring me some eye drops!”

28. “I forgot the names of my medications, but I remember that my last Blood Pressure reading was 121/119 mmHg.”

29. “I’m here for my scheduled seduction (sedation).”

30. “My father had thyroids and I think I do too.”


Your Turn

Do you know other funny things that patients write or say? Share them with us! We would love to hear from you!


About the Author: Mary Elizabeth Velarmino Francisco earned her Bachelor of Science in Nursing Degree from the Ateneo de Zamboanga University, Philippines. She is always happy to share her passion for writing and blogging. With coffee running through her veins, she enthusiastically battles each day, one article at a time.