25 Funniest Pickup Lines from Real Patients

nurse pick up line

A pickup line is a good conversation builder for a person who wants to impress a total stranger. It’s supposed to be catchy, funny, and witty. But if you are a nurse, pick-up lines from your patients can put you in an awkward or even embarrassing position. They can get pretty hilarious, too!

Here are some of the funniest pickup line moments shared by different nurses around the US:

1. I had a patient before who underwent penis reconstruction surgery after he experimented with body piercings in it. On my first rounds on his bedside:

“Hey I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.”

I don’t know if I should say he is somehow correct.

2. My patient once told a joke I couldn’t forget.

“Can you guess what thing has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?”
“My zipper. Are you ready for it?”

3. I spent a minute listening to my patient’s heartbeat pattern. When I removed the stethoscope from his chest, my patient said:

“Have you heard what my heart is saying?”
“Yup, counted it.”
“So how many times did it say your name?”

He caught me off guard, my face turned red!

4. I’m passing meds to my patients when this end-stage COPD patient made me laugh out loud. I’m about to assist him with his inhaler when he exclaimed:

“Just in time! The nurse from the previous shift took my breath away.”

I wish that nurse from the previous shift heard it along with the pauses he made just to catch his gasping breath.

Nurse pick up line

5. I had this naughty patient who constantly asks me to go out on a date.

“Look, I’m dying here! I need a life! Please lower your standards and go out with me if you want me to survive.”

It sounded real desperation at its finest.

6. When I was a new nurse in our unit, I was so naïve that it took me 10 minutes to process the conversation I had with my patient:

“Have we met before? You look familiar.”
“No, I’m a newly floated nurse on this floor.”
“I swear we were in the same class before. We had Chemistry.”

I was puzzled as the patient is ten years older than me, how can I be in the same class with him before? When I left his room, I realized what he truly meant, poor me.

pick up line

7. While changing my patient’s wound dressing, we came up to a little conversation:

“Did you have Anatomy classes when you were still a nursing student?”
“Of course.”
“Great! Would you like to study Human Anatomy furthermore, with me, in my room?”

I thought he was going to ask me to teach him quick anatomy lessons. Boy, that was sneaky!

8. I’m a male nurse and I was examining the hands of my 65-year-old female patient after her relatives complained of unusual redness in her palms.

“Please give me your hand.”
“I will wholeheartedly give my hands to you forever, my love.”

I thought nothing of it since the patient had dementia but her niece turned red!

9. I am assessing my patient’s Glasgow coma scale. From being stuporous, I was so surprised to see him open his eyes and woke up:

“Oh look, a beautiful angel! I didn’t know I’d be in heaven too fast.”

Maybe I really looked like an angel in my white scrub suit.


Also Read: 30 Funniest Things Patients Say

10. Together with our nursing aide, I was preparing a dementia patient to be lifted up higher in her bed. When the nursing aide threw a sheet of blanket over her body, the little old lady murmured:

“Get your head under there, you know where it’s at.”

11. I was giving a bed bath to an 80-year-old male patient when he told me:

“I felt it move! I thought it will never be alive after a decade of peace!”

I hope he wasn’t talking about what I think he was talking about.

12. I did not completely believe in nurse pick up line stories I was hearing from my colleagues. Then, I experienced it firsthand from my patient:

“Do you like kids?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Great! I have a daughter who needs a mom.”

I didn’t see that coming!

13. This adorable 12-year-old patient once called my attention and I never forget it.

“Excuse me, nurse! Do you know how can I be an organ donor?”
“You are too young! But if you really like to, you should talk first with your parents.”
“Great! I’d like to give my heart to you.”

marry a nurse

Also Read: 100 Funniest Nursing Memes on Pinterest – Our Special Collection

14. I’m assisting an end-stage COPD patient in getting off his bed when we had this little chat together:

“Is having sex contraindicated to my condition?”
“Yes, definitely.”
“Will I die if I do it?”
“There’s a high chance.”
“Then I would be glad to die in bed with you.”

15. I’m assigned to a 90-year-old female patient diagnosed with dementia. When turning the patient in her bed, she suddenly shouted:

“Come on, just get on top!” 

16. After getting my patient’s temperature, who is just a 10-year-old boy, he said:

“You should get your temperature as well.”
“You look hot.”

17. I’m changing the diaper of my 86-year-old male patient:

“Sir, please spread your legs a little bit more.”
“I’m the one who should be asking you that.”

18. I’ll always remember the brief conversation I had with my first patient in the correctional facility’s hospital.

“Good morning, I’m Anna and I will be your nurse till the afternoon.”
“Listen, I know I have Chlamydia and herpes down there. But if you want to, I can wrap it!”

19. During my first rotation as a student, we were assigned to the geriatric ward. After providing perineal care to an elderly female patient, she said:

“Well now that you got it all cleaned, are you ready for it?”

I tried my very best to not laugh at it.

20. My patient is a sweet old lady. One night, I was about to drain her urine bag. The lights were off and I didn’t want to wake her so I entered quietly and looked for the urine bag hanged underneath her bed.

“It’s just me, your nurse.”
“You don’t have to sneak, you should have asked. I’d love to. Move over here beside me.”

I was mortified!

funny nursing

Also Read: 40 Funniest Nursing Gifs On Tumblr

21. Someone once told me…

“You’d better be a cardiologist, because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.”

22. And another one!

“Let’s exchange genetic information!”

23. I had one tiny bald guy, about 90, cheerfully say to me:

“Hey, do ya wanna do it?!”

24. An end-stage COPD patient said to me:

“I’d offer to have intercourse with you if it wouldn’t kill me. So how about you just get in my bed and cuddle up with me all night instead?”

25. I had an old man slowly turn his head, look at me, and in a very stern, accusatory voice state:

“You want to make love, don’t you?”

Do you know more nurse pick up line stories from your work? Pick up lines from patients can be either creepy or funny. But still, hearing pick up lines from patients is one of the most unforgettable moments nurses will experience at work. Share your patient pick up line experiences with us on our FB page.

Source: Reddit