Nurses are a unique bunch of overworked but very fulfilled professionals. Some days we’re totally down, but there are also those days when we can’t help but laugh at our own miseries. After all, patients won’t understand what we’re really going through.
Are you looking for something to calm your nerves? You’ve come to the place! We’ve searched far and wide for the funniest reasons that will confirm you’re a nurse. Read all these telltale signs that you’re a nurse, and don’t forget to spread it or share your favorite “you know you’re a nurse when…” joke on the comment section below.
You know you’re a nurse when….
1. You can drink a pot of coffee then go home and go to bed.
2. You know the menu, phone numbers and delivery hours of every restaurant in town.
3. You view stress as a normal part of life.
4. You get a call giving you the name of your new admit and you have their Care Plan done before they even hit the floor.
5. You believe a good tape job will fix everything.
6. You believe everyone needs a good shot of vitamin H once in awhile.
7. You believe the inventor of call bells has earned a special place in Hell.
8. You know it’s a full moon without looking at the sky.
9. You believe PITA is an acceptable admitting diagnosis.
10. You believe the number one rule of nursing is “Don’t Get Any On Ya.”
11. You know the smell of different diarrhea to identify it.
12. Discussing bodily fluids over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
13. You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from the hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.
14. Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you.
15. Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago’s water tank.
16. Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.
17. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
18. You find yourself checking out other customer’s veins in grocery waiting lines.
19. You’ve used the word ‘rationale’, the phrase ‘as evidenced by’, or quoted a nursing diagnosis in everyday life.
20. You look at everyone’s veins instead of their face when talking to them.
21. You try to use an IV hanger to hang your plants.
22. You look at even your own bowel movement to make sure it’s okay.
23. You like only important television shows about nursing.
24. You watch America’s Funniest Home Videos and you can only see the people as injured patients and cannot laugh.
25. You think your uniforms are more important than other clothing in your closet.
26. You talk about what food looks like in respect to organs in the body.
27. You disinfect the kitchen counter with Clorox.
28. You tuck your sheet corners like they do in the hospital.
29. You listen to everyone’s ailments.
30. Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
31. Your talk of wounds and drainage in a restaurant makes the people at the next table run for the door.
32. You replace words with medical abbreviations during conversations with family and friends.
33. Your 8-year-old tells all her friends about periods and puberty on the playground.
34. You know the full moon by the behaviors of the people around you.
35. Your father in-law feels free to describe bodily functions to you, including texture and color.
36. You go to work with a fever of 103.
37. You self-diagnose.
38. Your kids think it’s normal to talk about BMs and other bodily functions in public.
39. You’ve told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if they need help.
40. You’ve basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.
41. You live by the motto, “To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult.”
42. You don’t get excited about blood loss … unless it’s your own.
43. You can intubate your friends at parties.
44. You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.
45. You refuse to watch ER because it’s too much like the real thing and triggers “flash backs.”
46. You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.
47. Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.
48. You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.
49. Your sense of humor seems to get more “warped” each year.
50. You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.
51. You’ve had to leave a patient’s room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.
52. You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there.”
53. You have ever wanted to write a book entitled “Suicide: getting it right the first time.”
54. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone who utters the phrase “Wow, it’s really quiet, isn’t it?”
55. You believe that the government should require permits to reproduce.
56. You believe that ‘shallow gene pool’ should be a recognized diagnosis.
57. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
58. Your idea of a good time is a cardiac arrest at shift change.
59. Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
60. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal is perfectly normal to you.
61. You’ve sworn to have “do not resuscitate” tattooed on your chest. Soon.
62. You don’t get excited about blood, unless it’s your own.
63. Your family and friends refuse to watch medical sitcoms with you because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down x-rays.
64. You have seen more penises than any prostitute could dream of.
65. You believe that not all patients are annoying… some are unconscious.
66. You’ve ever placed a bet on someone’s blood alcohol level.
67. You’ve ever heard a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring, and twelve earrings say “I’m afraid of shots.”
68. You’ve been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.
69. You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.
70. You believe that any job where you can drive to work in your pajamas is a cool one.
71. You believe that saying ‘it can’t get any worse’ causes it to get worse just to show you it can.
72. You occasionally park in the space with the “physicians only” sign… and knock it over.
73. The front of your scrubs reads ‘Nurses… here to save your ass, not kiss it!’
74. You’ve ever told a patient to ‘move toward the light.’
75. You start every conversation with, “So today at work there was this really gross thing.”
76. You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan).
77. You’ve ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time.
78. You ever felt like a Gastroenterologist… because you work with a##holes.
79. It IS as BAD as you think, and the patients ARE out to get you.
80. You ever told a patient he didn’t need to be dead to donate an organ.
81. You feel that earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
82. You believe some patients are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
83. You can’t imagine wearing heels after a day on your feet.
84. You get more done by knowing someone in housekeeping than in administration.
85. You finally learn that doctors are not all that!
86. You’ve informed your coworkers who can/cannot work on you if you collapse.
87. You can’t function until your caffeine intake is at a therapeutic level.
88. It’s the end of your shift and you realize you haven’t once gone to the bathroom.
89. Family and friends call you to describe their injuries over the phone.
90. In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
91. You do the “only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell” happy dance.
92. You need the money, your shift is cancelled; ….when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
93. You believe sick people don’t $itch.
94. You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.
95. You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.
96. You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.
97. You believe if the patient vomits in the ED, try to hold their head to the side of the stretcher with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
98. You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.
99. You can’t cure stupid.
100. You believe if it’s wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!
101. You believe that idiots that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
102. You believe when a patient vomits, be sure to aim it at the family members who wouldn’t back up.
103. You call subcutaneous emphysema Rice Krispies.
104. You call burn victims “crispy critters”.
105. You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine.
106. Your idea of a CT prep includes Pavulon and a vent.
107. You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol.
108. Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard.
109. Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone’s.
110. You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.
111. You believe a “Supreme Being” consult is your patient’s only hope.
112. You have ever restrained someone…and it wasn’t a sexual experience.
113. You have ever issued a “dead head” alert.
114. You have ever wanted to reply yes when someone calls the ER and asks “Is my (husband, wife, mother, etc….) there?”
115. You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to “Guns and Ammo” magazine.
116. You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a “Smurf.”
117. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a “Celestial Transfer.”
118. You have discovered a new condition called “Hypo-Xanax-emia”.
119. You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when they present with a complaint of migraine, lower back pain or chronic myalgia….and they list numerous allergies (except Demerol or Morphine).
120. You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
121. You don’t believe 90% of what you’re told, and 75% of what you see.
122. You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol and Librium were put in the water instead of fluoride, Dentists would be busier, but Nursing would grind to a halt.
123. You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants.
124. You believe chocolate is a food group.
125. Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat.
126. You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
127. You believe the lab should have a ‘dumb sh#t’ profile on the lab requisition slip.
128. You know the local detox center number by heart.
129. You refer to vegetable and you don’t mean the food group.
130. You believe waiting room time should be in proportion to the length of time from symptom onset (You’ve had pain for 3 weeks…have a seat, well get to you in 3 days).
131. You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed.
132. You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.
133. You have used the phrase’ health care reform’ to terrify your co-workers.
134. Your most common assessment question at 2 am is “Why is this an emergency now?”
135. You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word ‘quiet’ is uttered.
136. You believe the ‘On-call Nurse’ program is a satanic plot.
137. You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA.
138. You make up acronyms so non-medical people won’t know just how sick you really are: GOMER, GORK, TSTL…(Get Out Of My Emergency Room, God Only Really Knows, Too Stupid To Live).
139. Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold.
140. You refer to a patient as having a high DBI (dirt bag index), which is calculated by the following formula: DBI = number of tattoos divided by number of missing teeth, multiplied by number of “tracks” added to estimated days without a bath!
141. You’ve ever eaten your lunch out of an emesis basin, and poured your drink from a Urimeter container.
142. You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm…until you get one you DO recognize.
143. You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet.
144. You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, “Just two beers.”
145. You don’t ask “frequent flyers’ their history, you know it by heart.
146. You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.
147. You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.
148. You’ve ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, “I’m afraid of shots.”
Also Read: 15 of the Most Common Nursing Pet Peeves
149. You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.
150. You can identify the ‘PID Shuffle” and the “Kidney Stone Squirm” at 15 feet.
151. You’ve ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone’s vein and said, “Now your going to feel a little stick.”
152. You avoid unhealthy looking COPDers in the mall for fear that they’ll drop near you and you’ll have to do CPR on your day off.
153. If the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3.0 suture, steri-strips or rubber bands.
154. You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage.
155. Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control, OSHA, the EPA or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
156. You believe in PPP as a diagnosis – **** Poor Protoplasm
157. You’ve developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you’ve encountered over the years.
158. You have ever referred to a patient as “genetically exclusive” or “genetically challenged.”
159. Ever referred to KY jelly as “Goober Grease”
160. Ever had a patient whose positive pregnancy test prompts her to call the next day and ask if you can tell who the father is
161. You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The A##) precautions!
162. You refer to ammonia capsules as a “seizure-cure.”
163. You have a PD patient who whips out their catheter and announces unless they get their way they’ll pee all over you.
164. You can identify the following Syndromes:
F.O.L. (Full Of Liquor)
A.D.A.S.T.W. (Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way)
W.O. T.A.M. (Waste of Time & Money)
165. You believe in a diagnosis of acute Haldolpenia.
166. The ER is a mixture of can do, can’t do, and why the hell not!
167. Everyone gets treated exactly the same—until they **** you off.
168. You believe, in medicine, to always remember never to say always and never.
169. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you’ve obviously don’t understand the situation.
170. You don’t eat before driving to work because you want to be an “easy intubation” if you are in an accident.
171. After spending the night with surgeons, they still won’t respect you in the morning.
172. You don’t have enough ego hypertrophy to be a surgeon.
173. You look in your closet and can’t find anything non-medical to wear.
174. You think it is acceptable to use “penis” and “vagina” in a normal conversation.
175. You’ve ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.
176. You’ve ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.
177. Not only does your watch tell the time but it has a pulse timer that will count in 5, 10, 15, 30 and 60 second intervals and will take your blood pressure.
178. You get rear-ended in an auto accident and the accident scene looks like an ER exploded from your first aid kit in the trunk.
179. You’ve ever used the acronym F.T.D. (Fixin’ to Die) or L.T.B.B (Lucky To Be Breathing).
180. You’ve ever referred to a suicide-attempt victim as an FTF (Failure to Fly).
181. Everything only happens all at once.
182. You call some of your co-workers ‘Flowers in the Field of Medicine’ because they’re bloomin’ idiots.
183. You believe old nurses never die, they just go PRN.
184. You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found On Road Drunk).
185. You use CTD for very-soon expectant terminal ‘no code’ patients. (circling the drain).
186. You have ever had a track ridden prego tell you not to ruin her veins when you try to find one she hasn’t already used, to start an IV.
187. You believe that saying, ‘It can’t get any worse’ causes it to get worse just to show you it can.
188. You’ve ever thought, ‘Patients, God love ’em, because today, I sure don’t!’
189. You believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
190. You tell cops where to go without fear!
191. You think pizza, cookies and coke make a balanced meal.
192. Your sole purpose in life is simply to warn others.
193. You think Real friends help you move dead bodies.
194. You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
195. You want to throttle anyone that states: Night shift must be so boring, all the patients do is sleep.
196. You are willing to beg, borrow, or steal not to work the night daylight savings time goes into effect.
197. You use the phrase “Turn and Baste” and you are nowhere near a kitchen.
198. You refer to Diprovan as mothers milk.
199. You make up new ways to describe strange patients: True –a doctor friend of mine would put the number “45” on the chart to warn the nurses that the patient wasn’t playing with a full load of chromosomes.
200. You believe blow darts dipped in curare PRN is an appropriate order for annoying family members.
201. You have ever been tempted to place a rectal tube hooked to suction for a FOS patient.
202. You no longer have a gag reflex.
Also Read: 250 Funniest Nursing Quotes And Ecards
203. You ever wished that they would make corrugated catheters to use on really annoying patients.
204. You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, ‘Hey, watch this’
205. You believe God and hard work made us Nurses, Prozac made us friends.
206. You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
207. You believe the best patients are SIR…Sedated, Intubated and Restrained.
208. You’ve ever cared for a patient with ATS (Acute Thespian Syndrome).
209. You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.
210. To you the phrase “divide and conquer” means getting two co-workers to help you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400 pound patient.
211. You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope.
212. You believe in the underwear theory of charting: Keep your behind covered!
213. You believe just because someone’s license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.
214. You believe there is no such thing as a “textbook case.”
215. After changing an abdominal dressing that you had to irrigate, pack and dress, you go to lunch to discuss the how the wound is healing, and what organs you can see when it’s open.
216. You refer to Diprivan as Milk of Amnesia.
217. Every day of the week feels like Monday.
218. You invent a new game called “specimen, specimen, who’s got the specimen?”
219. You figure out how to reprogram the new EKG monitor and have now set a new world record score for Pong.
220. Suddenly, anesthesia’s jokes are actually FUNNY.
221. Using discarded glove wrappers and saline bottles, you have created a mixed media replica of the Eiffel Tower.
222. You leave your shoes in the garage.
223. You always have extra pens in your pocket and they aren’t yours!
224. You use a plastic 30 cc medicine cup for a shot glass.
225. You can almost SEE the germs on the doorknobs and telephone.
226. You have to wash you hands even after not touching anything specific — you just get that dirty feeling.
227. There are 3 kinds of hand soap in your bathroom, and a scrub brush.
228. People complement you just because you’re wearing your “civilian” clothes.
229. You only do dishes when you run out of mugs and teaspoons.
230. The garbage can next to your apartment coin washing machine is full of “washed” latex gloves that you forgot in you uniform pockets.
231. Everything you write, letters, emails, Christmas cards, have nursing abbreviations on them.
232. Your diet consists of coffee, cereal and whatever the cafeteria is serving.
233. You pull up to McDicks at 0900 hrs and ask for a big mac.
234. You’ve been on a medical sabbatical for five years…yet all you can think about is returning to nursing.
235. People don’t recognize you in your civilian clothes.
236. You wear scrubs to bed and around the house as though it was formal wear.
237. You have medical supplies in your home/car that can normally be gotten only through hospital.
238. You store your stethoscope over the rear-view mirror in your car.
239. You can eat a salad while balancing a coffee while you walk.
240. You only go to the doctor if you’re half dead, and usually tell him what med and test you need .
241. You can’t never remember the last time you pee’d.
242. If said call is picked up, you often cave in and work.
243. You are going out to dinner or somewhere nice and realize you have no nice clothes but 500 pairs of scrubs in every color, style, and print available.
244. You write a letter or email and find yourself using “nursing shorthand” while writing.
245. You use bandage scissors to cut coupons.
246. You have pens and note pads from every ambulance company, drug rep, and medical facility around.
247. You use hemostats as a household tool to fish the toothpaste lid out of the sink drain, pull frayed shoelaces through the eyelets of your child’s shoes, and to fix the spark plug connection on the lawnmower (among other things).
248. You are counting your husbands pulse while he sleeps and worrying because he is wheezing on expiration.
249. You get all excited because you see blood when starting an iv or drawing blood. You’d swear we just found oil on our land.
250. If someone coughs and brings up sputum in front of you, you have the desire to know what color.
Do you have your own “you know you’re a nurse when…” joke to share? Let us know your favorites on the comment section below!